Original play in 4 acts by Eliza Sarnacka-Mahoney
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Narrator
Beyond the seventh mountain or … not so far away
A long, long time ago or perhaps just yesterday
There was a fairy kingdom where fairy king and queen
Enjoyed their fairy living and raised a fairy prince.
Their son was extra special – a real prodigy.
His looks, his brains, his talents – as perfect as could be.
There never was another as gifted and unique.
His parents swelled with pride. Our genius wunderprince!
When we begin our story, the fairy king and queen
Are seen inside their castle as they jump, run and scream.
It’s prince’s 30th birthday. Tomorrow! On that day
The prince will be crowned king for such is the kingdom’s way.
Act I
Royal Reception Hall, two thrones in the middle, enter King and Queen
The Queen (to a servant sticking her head from behind the throne)
The thrones must shine like diamonds. So spit and scrub some more.
(A cook passes by carrying a birthday cake)
You’re sure we have exactly thirty tiers on top?
Now what? What kind of pot roast? The best we have! Good grief!
What’s wrong with everybody? Don’t you know how to think?
King
Relax, my love. The party will be a great success.
My thoughts go elsewhere. They are unsettling, a bit strange.
Will our son Vincenzio …
Queen (dreamilngly)
Our genius! Wunderprince!
King
Well yes, but …is he … can he … will he make a good king?
(both collapse onto their thrones and sigh heavily)
Queen
He still plays with his legos,
King
Sleeps until noon or more!
Queen
Forgets to wash his ears
King
Or worse — his dirty socks!
Vincenzio’s Godmother (jumps out unexpectedly from behind their thrones)
The thing that he excels at is laying on the couch
Watching TV or playing the video games perhaps.
King
You’re here, my sister? But…But … The party’s not today.
Vincenyi Godmother
I heard you and felt summoned to offer you both help.
King and Queen together
But how?
Godmother
At dawn tomorrow I’ll bring the prince a gift.
Queen
Oh, what a grand idea to make those flaws of his…
King
Though really, they are nothing. Sometimes we all err, fail,
It’s flaws that make us human.
Queen
What flaws? Speak for yourself.
King
In any case – I’m for it. You’ll move your magic wand
And prince’s imperfections will … vanish! Problem’s gone!
Godmother
I’ll move my wand to have this self-centered mamma’s boy,
This good-for-nothing woosy you’ve spoiled beyond control …
King and Queen together
Don’t say that! He’s a genius!
Godmother
… Grow up. It’s about time.
Or else we’re doomed. We’re finished.
This kingdom won’t survive!
Act II
(a city street with shops on both sides, nearby a sign for „Tom’s Deli”)
Narrator
The sun is up next morning. Our prince, as always, makes
A dive under the blankets to signal to his maid
That he has no intention of getting up. Instead
He mumbles words that surely we’re not repeating here.
But oddly, the old nagger won’t let him sleep in peace.
Of all days, it’s his birthday! How dare she ruin it?
A wave of anger twisted his perfect royal jaw.
He stuck his head from covers. It’s not the maid he saw.
Policeman
Hey you! Wake up! I warn you! I will not say it twice.
What is your name? I need it for ticket that I’ll write.
Vincenzio
A ticket?
Policjant
Yes, a ticket. Because I do not like
When people sleep on benches. Especially in a park!
Prince
Park? Benches?
Narrator
Here Vincenzio springs to his feet at once.
His eyes are now wide open. His jaw is on the ground.
Vincenzio
You’re right. It’s not my castle. This bench is not my bed.
And you are definitely not my old, royal maid.
(hits his forehead with a hand)
I see… It’s all a setup. A birthday prank. How sad.
You’ll hang by noon tomorrow. Now go and fetch my car.
Policeman
A car? Well, well, and maybe a valet, too?
Vincenzio
Yes, quick!
I need my clothes, my breakfast,
My nails need to be clipped.
Policeman
I say, you speak as if you have come from outer space!
You’re surely not a local. No ticket then. Instead
I wish you a good visit.
Vincenzio
You mean – it’s not a game?
It’s not my fairy kingdom?
Policeman
Oh, no! It’s Portland, Maine!
Vincenzio
Portlandmaine, sounds so scary. But I pledge to survive.
I just must find some servants. Then breakfast. I am starved!
Hey, you there! Yes you, woman. I am a royal son,
I need someone to serve me: dress, feed, bathe, all that stuff.
Excuse me? Did you see that? She told me I was nuts!
Outrageous! This Portlandmaine is a barbaric land!
„Tom’s Deli”, it looks fitting. I see both cooks and food.
Hey, servants, prince is speaking. I’m hungry as a wolf.
Cashier (behind a counter with a cash register on it)
What would you like?
Vincenzio (whispers)
He didn’t address me like he might
Your highness for example, so I will have him hanged.
But not before I eat. So
(turns back to cashier)
Now, servant, I command
That you will at this instant bring me my royal brunch
Eggs, sausage, bread, potatoes. And coffee. And a cake.
Well … move! What are you doing?
Cashier
I’m counting. And one cake.
You owe me thirty dollars and twenty seven cents.
Vincenzio
What is this piece of paper?
Cashier
A check you have to pay.
Vincenzio
A check? But I’m a king’s son. I live and eat for free.
Cashier
In your own castle – yes. Here we do things differently.
Vincenzio
So what? – you will not feed me?
Cashier
You pay — you eat. Or else.
Vincenzio
I’ll have you hanged! Have mercy! At least a slice of bread.
I have no money. I will … die right here. Bye, adios…
Narrator
But in this blackest hour not everything was lost.
Adele
I’ll pay for him. Poor fellow. He seems to be distressed.
Must be that he is having simply one of those days.
Vincenzio
I’m in your debt forever, my lady fair and kind.
My name is Prince Vincenzio.
Adele
And I am Adele Knight.
Vincenzio
Madame Adele I promise, this debt I will repay
As soon as I will see my royal treasury clerk.
Adele
You speak like in old books. Well, but if you need a job
Check out the papers. Meanwhile, I really have to go!
Vincenzio
Escaping to a ball?
Adela
Wow, you really are a teaser!
I’m off to work, my prince. I am a third grade teacher.
This is no fairy kingdom. This is a modern world
Where everybody’s equal and everybody works.
Vincenzio
You mean it? Every-body?
Adele
Up to a certain age.
Vincenzio
Kings too?
Adele
Oh yes!
Vincenzio
And princes?
Adele
Like everybody else.
As long as you are healthy you must earn your own keep
Doing what you are good at.
Vincenzio
I want my mommy, pleeeeease!
Besides, I’ve no idea what I could do or be!
Adele
Whatever you would like. We all have our special skills
Today each child will tell you, be who you want to be.
Just don’t be scared to follow what lies inside your dreams.
(Song in Polish: „Kim będę” Misia i Margolci)
http://chomikuj.pl/blaha82/DLA+DZIECI/PIOSENKI/Mama+i+ja+-+Mi*c5*9b+i+Margolcia+oraz+Agnieszka+-+1
Act III
(A shipyard can be seen in the distance. Closer there is a door with a sign „Bakery” on it to the right and a park with a pond to the left)
Vincenzio
I said from the beginning that Portlandmaine sounds gross
It makes you think of pumpkins. Now, everybody knows
That pumpkins stand for tricks and they bring poor cooks to tears
One needs a saw to halve them, their flavor – so unclear!
Yet I’m doomed to this land now and all its pumpkin ways.
(sighs very loudly and opens the newspaper)
Employment. Page eleven.
(jumps to his feet)
A sailor needed.
Hey!
To be a fearless pirate has been my lifelong dream!
Adele was right. I can work even if I’m a prince.
Narrator
Vincenzio’s grief has vanished and he is on his way
To shipyard. He has even picked up a leaf and placed
It on his eye. An eye patch is every pirate’s pride.
He looks like…
Captain
Man, you look like a tomfool. What’s your jazz?
Vincenzio
I want to get a job on your ship.
Captain
Then I must see
Your CV and referals.
Vincenzio
My what?
Captain (spells out words as he writes them down)
He did not bring.
Your list of past employments?
Vincenzio
But I’m a royal prince!
Captain (writes down)
He did not bring.
Now, how good are you at languages?
Vincenzio
I’m great! How morning giorno von guten ling, fat bees!
Captain (writes down)
No foreign tongues.
So, tomfool. To show you that I’m nice
I let you be a deck hand. Here are your pail and brush.
Narrator
Vincenzio took the items and found a place to sit.
He’s bored. He’s yawning widely. He quickly fell asleep.
He dreamt of wide, blue oceans, when something scratched his cheek.
It was the captain’s mustache. The captain bit his liups.
Captain
What are you doing?
Vincenzio
Nothing.
Kapitan
I’ve given you a task!
Vincenzio
I’m waiting.
Captain
Why?
Vincenzio
For others to bring a deck of cards?
Captain
A deck of cards?
Vincenzio
Well, didn’t you say that I’m a hand?
Captain
A hand for what?
Vincenzio
For playing…
Captain
Can someone drown him, now!
Narrator
It wasn’t even noon yet, when prince Vincenzio walked
The city streets again and searched for another job.
This time he found a baker who was in need of help.
Vincenzio
It’s not a dream come true, but to roll out loaves of bread
Is something that a child could perform without a wince.
Narrator
The baker was too busy to interview the prince
or check Vincenzio’s skills, so he hire him at once.
The prince is strutting proudly in his new hat and gown.
He had a grand idea.
Vincenzio
To maximize the use
Of oven space the loaves must be very tightly grouped,
Like pages in a book they should sit one on another.
Who would have thought I’ll even have room for sweet baklava!
Narrator
We don’t assume we need to explain what happened next
The oven coughed up vapors of smoke and then a range
Of various blackened pellets, or shall we say – black bricks.
The baker felt like pulling the hair, yet not of his
But of Vincenzio’s hairline. It was a sheer luck
That our prince has managed to save his royal life
After two pellets hit him right in between the eyes.
At noon he read the paper again.
Vincenzio (reads very slowly, splitting the words into syllables)
… A Genghis Khan
To coach weight lifting classes. Dog walkers. Tutors. Chefs.
Five pages worth of offers and simply nothing here!
Narrator
But in this blackest hour not everything was black.
Vincenzio
A courier needed. Perfect! I’m great at riding bikes.
Narrator
Vincenzio picked up boxes from his new boss’s place
Put on his courier’s T-shirt and he was on his way.
First package he delivered going the speed of light.
The second – no so quickly, he rested in a park
And spent some time fly fishing. And then the third — he dropped
Into a nearby river. It was too far to go.
He came back to his boss and demands that he be paid.
It was his lucky hour, boss had a broken leg
And with a cast he couldn’t move very fast at all
Before he reached Vincenzio, Vincenzio was long gone.
It’s early afternoon now. Our hero sad, forlorn
And lonely walks the city again. Again he stops
By the familiar window pondering his bad luck.
But in this blackest hour somebody had his back.
Adele
Vincenzio, you again here?
Vincenzio
Adele!
Adele
You’re working now?
Vincenzio
Oh, no. I failed and crumbled on every given front.
Today I’m turning thirty, yet I feel like a child.
So lost and out of touch with what matters most in life.
Adele
You’re better than you think. Let’s put both our heads to work.
Narrator
And so they did. Together they walked and they conversed
Until they reached the schoolgrounds.
Adele
Here we must say good bye.
I’ve only stepped outside to get some refreshing tea.
I’ve still a class to teach.
Vincenzio
But…I can’t let go of thee!
That is, I meant to ask if I could be of some help?
Adele
As clueless as you are I’m beginning to accept
The fact that you indeed might have come here from afar
A tale of fairy prince who has wasted his whole life.
But life is known to dazzle, life loves to prove us wrong
You might know ways to help me control my class, who knows!
(Song in Polish „Gdyby do szkoły chodziły anioły”)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eL-irdQPGjw
Akt IV
(In the classroom)
Vincenzio
Now stop it! Stop it!
Adele
Dear, I warned you. They are wild.
It’s my last warning, Peter. Evangeline, sit down.
I am exhausted.
Vincenzio
Listen. Why not try something else?
Let’s have a contest.
Adele
Contest?
Vincenzio
We’ll ask them to elect
A new king of that fairy kingdom you talked about.
Children
Contests are awesome! Please! Please!
Adele
Look at them, they’re so… nice!
Children (talking through one another)
Where is that fairy kingdom? Let’s hope it’s far from school!
What happened to its king? Was he kidnapped by grey wolf?
Transformed into Darth Vader? Eaten by a T-rex?
Not T-Rex but a ranger whose shoes were painted red.
Adele
Oh, Peter, do you ever listen to what I read?
Vincenzio
No, no. The old king’s fine. He’s not eaten, living still
In his own body. There is even a plan who should
Succeed him. But that prince was …
Children (talking through one another)
Kidnapped in magic woods!
Transformed into Darth Vader! Eaten by a T-Rex!
I know! He fell in love with a witch and ran away!
Vincenzio
He’s fine too. But the problem lies here: he shouldn’t be
Meant for the crown for he’ll make a mediocre king.
Child I
What is it: mediocre?
Adele
It’s like with many things.
Vincenzio
I shall explain the concept. A mediocre king
Sits on his royal throne but he does not rule, he gripes
That nothing’s as it should be, though never saying why.
Believing that his castle is all there is of world
And that his only purpose in life is to be served.
Vincenzio’s Godmother (appears unexpectedly above the scene)
He still plays with his legos, sleeps until noon or more!
Forgets to wash his ears or worse — his dirty socks!
The thing that he excels at is laying on the couch
Watching TV or playing the video games perhaps.
Child II
You met that prince?
Vincenzio
Once. Briefly.
Child III
He knows that he’s no good?
Vincenzio
O yes! He is aware now and quite embarrassed too.
If he could turn the clock back, he’d mend his sinful ways.
Vincenzio’s Godmother
He’d put away the legos? Wash well behind the ears?
Get up at dawn to iron his socks and pants and shirts?
Vincenzio
If common good demands then even the underwear!
Children
It never is too late to become a better man.
Our teacher told us.
Adele
Thank you for minding what I say!
Children
So may the prince go home now and may he be the king
He knows he has inside him. A father to all things.
Vincenzio
But there’s another problem. You see, that prince has found
A princess who has stolen his lonely royal heart.
He gladly would abandon his castle and his fame
To stay with her forever, even in Portlandmaine.
Adele
You ARE a prince? For real? This IS a fairytale?
No, no. I’m simply tired. I have been working late.
Narrator
But in this blackest hour somebody had their back.
Vincenzio’s godmother (steps in between them)
Adele, I’m his godmother. And I am guessing that
Your heart is also beating a little faster now.
It’s me who brought Vincenzio to Portlandmaine to try
And make it on his own here. For sometimes you don’t know
Who you can be unless you get up after you fall.
I hope you see that even though there’s work to be done
He’s ready for the challenge, no crying for his mom!
King and Queen
(appear on the side above the scene)
But let me tell you, sister, how his mom cries for him!
How could you be so cruel to my sweet wunderprince!
Adele
I have a dream, like countless other girls in the world
That out of nowhere a prince will cross my path one day.
Bu to be harshly honest, I am a modern gal
I can’t live in a castle. The royal life is dull!
King and Queen
Who heard of such a nonsense? She has offended us!
Don’t worry, sweetie, we will find you a different wife!
Vincenzio’s godmother
Be quiet you two. Adele, I think it will be best
If it’s your prince that moves his castle to Portlandmaine.
And with it all the rest of his fairy kingdom. There!
The city has just gotten itself a renaissance fair!
Vincenzio will be giving tours around the park.
Adele
While I can keep on teaching and keep my job intact.
Children
But about the contest? Which one of us could take
The crown?
Vincenzio
Each one. No problem. Come to the park and play.
Narrator
The prince knew what he promised. Who played the tournament
Could win not just a crown but a plastic rapier.
And here, my dear children, we end our fairy show.
All ended well. Our heroes lived happy and lived long.
(Narrator is approached by Godmother who whispers nervously into his ear)
Narrator
Have I forgotten something? The king and queen? Their what?
Ah, yes, indeed. So as I was saying, those two left
Upset and ate the prince’s birthday cake by themselves.
They took their thrones and put them upon an empty field
And sat there for three winters, feeling more and more ill
Because their hearts were broken. They missed their wunderprince.
One day they packed and also arrived in Portlandmaine.
We’re family, we should stick together! – they proclaimed.
Song „Misie Wiesia”
THE END